Demystifying Therapeutic Parenting
Children who live with shame and who have experienced trauma in their young lives, including during their pregnancy, can be tough to parent. As I wrote about in insight “Living in the Shadow of Shame”, shame alongside the damage that has often been done to children’s brain through neglect and sometimes alcohol and drugs in pregnancy, can mean ‘normal’ parenting just doesn’t work. In fact, we find it often makes things worse. Star charts are fine when they get the star, but when they don’t get one..the child can erupt. Any focus on the things that go wrong, seems to make things worse. These techniques can work with children who feel safe at home, trust their parent and believe in themselves. But for those who have experienced the opposite in their short lives, these techniques tend to only serve to make things worse. But, I know, children need structure and they need boundaries, of course they do! They need those to feel safe.
Allowing the child to see and feel that they are loved regardless of their behaviours, having clear structure and boundaries, building nurturing relationships and sensing that they are understood is the holy grail of parenting! We call it ‘therapeutic parenting’. However, when people do parent this way, they often meet criticism from well meaning friends and family: “You need to be firm with him. They need to know they cannot get away with it. You need to take her toys/ phone/ X Box away. And you’re allowing him to go out to soft play/ with friends after he did that! They need to be punished to know right from wrong.” Sometimes when supporting parents to think of a new way of parenting, I offer to meet with their close friends and relatives who support them as well.
There are a number of people who are experts of therapeutic parenting and I have written a short resource list below. I was lucky enough to train with Dr Dan Hughes. Dan is an American clinical psychologist and author who has practised and taught extensively on establishing and maintaining close relationships with children and young people who have experienced trauma and who live with shame. Dan developed DDP: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy/ Practice and Parenting. I would really encourage you to look Dan up, listen to some of his talks and learn about ‘PACE’. PACE are the principles that should guide our parenting: Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. Easier to say than put into practice!
I am not a psychotherapist, but therapeutic social worker. I do however use my learning from Dan and others to support parents in thinking through how to respond to some really challenging behaviours and situations. It is not an easy fix, there is no magic wand. But, with practice and time Dyadic Developmental Parenting, using PACE, can work. It is often tough to change our way of parenting. To start, we need to think about communicating our understanding of the child’s inner world to them and engage in their emotions..hard to explain on a keyboard! I spend time with parents thinking ways to do this with their child, and their particular challenges.
For some, alongside consultations on parenting support, family sessions can be useful. This might include some fun exercises to do together focusing on strengthening relationships, including some theraplay type activities and art. It can integrate life story work as well. For older children, it could be a safe space for all to explore the challenges that have arisen.
Resources.
Parenting with Theraplay by Vivienne Norris and Helen Rodwell
This gives the reasons behind why theraplay activities work and bring this into ideas for everyday parenting.
Everyday Parenting with Security and Love by Kim Golding
Kim works closely with Dan Hughes and they have written a number of books together. This one is wonderful in bring to life the ‘DDP’ concepts in everyday examples.
The A to Z of Therapeutic Parenting by Sarah Naish
Lots of adopters have found this really helpful particularly at the beginning. There is a ‘partner’ book for professionals too.
Attachment Focused Parenting by Daniel Hughes
The Boy who was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry.
Bruce is an American psychiatrist who developed a model I use all the time, ‘Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics’, basically exploring how the brain develops and the impact of trauma on this. His books (he wrote one in 2021 alongside Oprah Winfrey) are very readable, using examples from his clinical practice to understand the model.
The website I use the most for resources is www.Beaconhouse.org.uk/resources
